I’m not quite sure I can explain this…But I’m going to give it a shot.
I wrote a blog post for Homeschool Holiday today. It was my April Holiday Highlights. April 28th is National Superhero Day. I was recalling how my classroom was decorated and I even had superhero attire suitable for Mass. I have previously mentioned here on Gratitude, Little things, Contentment, moving away from identifying with my super hero self. In February of 2020 I cleaned out my closet and discussed how important it is to be Christy as part of my healing process.
I think I was going about it all wrong. I think I was trying to avoid triggers and reminders of that part of my life. I know I was. If I didn’t think about it it would go away.
But as I wrote that blog post, I realized, the memories are starting not to hurt. I haven’t cried in a long time, but I’m still hiding behind my “homeschool” talents. It’s time to come out and face the world, and stop hiding that very important part of my life. Hiding it isn’t going to make it go away. It’s holding my business back. I can’t let it do that anymore.
This week my friend Debbie, in Kansas, drew this diagram as we were discussing my business.
I felt like a cartoon anvil was dropped onto my head. I’m focusing deeply on homeschooling – but I have 3 arms. I’m not just a homeschool Mom. I’m a classroom teacher too. And my love of holidays is the glue! I’m trying so hard to push my homeschool agenda and my holiday agenda I’m creating an awkward gap that people can see, but not understand.
As I was writing that other post mentioning my classroom superhero theme, what made me smile was recalling how I bullied the photographer at school picture time. I made him put my name as Wonder Woman onto my ID Badge. I didn’t tell a soul – I just told that photographer to do it in my best “I run this place do what I say” voice.
I seriously thought the teacher that put the yearbook together was going to kill me! I’m so glad she didn’t and we remain friends through all this!
When my badge arrived I was SO HAPPY!! There for all to see, was my picture and the name: Wonder Woman in print. I wore that badge to big district meetings and everything.
My poor co-workers. I showed them that badge and reminded them of my awesomeness daily. They either loved me or hated me. In my grief, I wonder if they grieve too ? I am still in touch with a few who somehow penetrated my wall. But many who were like family are lost now in the shuffle of sorrow. I was far too wounded to reach out to them and for that I am sorry. I couldn’t face any of them and be reminded of the loss, it simply hurt too much. This is the collateral damage I am just waking up and realizing exists. I hope they can forgive me. I certainly forgive them for not reaching out to me. After all they were all stuck picking up the pieces and doing all the jobs I did for all those years, Ha ha ha!
I have been hiding the teacher part of me away because she is hurt, rejected and was cast aside. The thing of it is, you can’t separate her from me – she IS me.
My secret sauce for business IS the fact that I am both a homeschooler and a classroom teacher. I write Holiday Curriculum. It’s suitable for BOTH homeschoolers and Teachers. I’m not just “saying” that to get more business, it’s true because I’ve lived in both worlds and I know both worlds.
I need to market my business and my area of expertise the same way I walked all over that campus putting my badge in everyone’s face telling them I was Wonder Woman.
I need to run my business like I ran that school – and by golly (I had help, I recognize that no Wonder Woman is an island! ) I seriously ran that school!
Here is my anvil moment: I’m embarrassed to say I was fired in my business world – It’s clear I’m not in the classroom any longer, but the “why” is shaky. I didn’t really retire, and every time I say that I feel like a fraud.
I don’t want “being fired” to scar my business or put my reputation in a negative light, but you know what. I’m going to wear the fact I was fired like a freaking badge of honor. That’s the TRUTH.
BREAKING NEWS : I was fired – so I started Homeschool Holiday as a way to share my love of teaching and homeschooling using holiday themed resources. I can’t keep hiding behind the euphemism of retirement.
I refuse to let the fact I was fired define me – but it will be my defining moment.
They fired Wonder Woman. It says so right on the name badge I threw in the trash.
She now runs a business called Homeschool Holiday. Watch me Grow!